I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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