I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
