I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
