Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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