Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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