Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
