You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
