so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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