I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
