My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
