If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
