you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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