my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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