youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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