then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
