If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
