Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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