I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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