she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
