We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
