I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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