I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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