YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
