The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
