She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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