god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
