I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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