just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
