Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
