I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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