I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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