you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
