Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
