you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
