i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
