im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm just crazy horny about you
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
