i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
