OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
