I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
