gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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