oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
