So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
