i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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