I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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