We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
