If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Boobs speak an international language.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
