in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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