The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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