Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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