dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were destined to go to rehab together
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
