the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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