Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
