What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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