I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
