I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
